Episode 15: Existential Haikus with Abby Dease (10/22/2020)

~~~editor Callie: I recommend listening to this one if you can, it’s better with sound~~~

Callie: Hey y’all. Welcome to Fast Facts for Gen Z. I’m your host, Callie, and I don’t know anything about anything. Usually, I’m here alone, but today I’m joined by a special guest.

My friend and yours, Abby Dease. Hi, Abby.

Abby: Hello!

C: Can you introduce yourself? Tell me a little bit about yourself?

A: My name is Abby, as Callie said. I’m a senior, and I was in Callie’s Latin class, as you guys heard about in the last episode. We’ve also had many classes together over the years; we were in elementary school together –

C: Oh yeah, we did, didn’t we?

A: And it’s been a blast.

C: On today’s episode, we’re going to be deciphering the haikus we wrote when we were supposed to be paying attention in Latin 2. Abby, can you explain what it was we were actually doing?

A: (laughs) So, the haikus in Latin were everything I said in class, just commentary and raw reactions to what was going on, and it just so happened that I said most everything in 5 or 7 syllables, and you would write haikus out of all of it.

C: Yeah, I would like, listen to Abby’s commentary in class – most of it, she was just talking to herself – and I would write it down and turn it into haikus. They’re mostly… completely nonsensical, which is why we’re going to try to figure out what was happening in those classes. Let’s start with what I think is the first haiku I wrote you.

“What are limericks? / You should make me some haikus / Thanks, DSM-5” (both giggle)

C: We think this was the first one because you’re asking me to make haikus.

A: Right.

C: But… Abby, what are limericks?

A: (laughs, then sarcastically) Well, what a great question! Something I’m not so sure about myself, obviously.

C: I think it is humorous poetry, it’s got some rhythm to it.

A: Yeah, it’s supposed to be like, funny, like a joke couplet type thing, but why I was asking what they are, beats me.

~~~interjection from editor Callie -> we were wrong about what a limerick is~~~

C: I think what was actually happening that day was that I started to hear your commentary as poetry, and I think we both had the same idea of writing haikus, but I feel you weren’t sure what the poetry format was called.

A: (laughs)

C: Yeah, so I feel like you were like, “You should write me some limericks. Wait, what are limericks?”

A: Classic Abby thought process.

C: Oh, I guess I should explain to the audience what a haiku is, in case you don’t know. It’s a Japanese form of poetry that’s 3 lines long, and the first and last lines are 5 syllables, and the middle line is 7. So that’s… that’s the only format I was following, stealing Abby’s commentary.

A: Somehow, amazingly, I was only speaking in 5 and 7 syllables most of the time.

C: It was great.

A: Which is odd.

C: No, you did a great job. You were my Muse. Abby, why don’t you pick another haiku for us?

A: Alright, I’ll have to say:

“I’m not amused / I’d literally slap her / It’s V. No, that’s 5.”

C: I’m not amused, I’d literally slap her, it’s V, no that’s 5.

A: I’d have to say the origins of this haiku stem from my annoyance in the class.

C: Well, yeah, you were never amused in that class.

A: Yeah. It was – I think it was something where everyone thought it was funny.

C: Right.

A: And it was probably something that like, Mr. Cooper did and I was like, “I’m just not amused.”

C: Right, yeah. To be clear, I probably also thought it was funny.

A: (laughs) Yeah, but not like, completely hilarious, it was just like, “eh.”

C: The sentence “I’d literally slap her.” There was a classmate who Abby… particularly disliked, or was particularly annoyed by, so we know who this was about, but do you remember what she was doing?

A: Mmm… no.

C: Yeah. (both laugh) Yeah, okay.

A: I mean, just any situation, really.

C: Yeah.

A: Probably made me want to just step in, and just… slap her upside the head. (both laugh)

C: Well, that’s why you sat in the corner! And I sat next to you, trapping you in the corner, so you couldn’t get out!

A: You were restraining me from acting out.

C: Exactly! You thought I just wanted to hang out with you, no no, I was protecting everyone else. So, about the last line, “It’s V. No, that’s 5.” We were talking about Roman numerals, because V is 5 in Roman numerals. Our teacher must’ve asked us something like “What’s 50?” or something, and I remember Abby answering so confidently, “It’s V!” And then she said, “Wait no!” (laughs) “That’s 5.”

~~~editor Callie: 50 is actually L in Roman numerals~~~

(both laugh)

C: Abby is good at Latin, let’s be clear.

A: Yeah, I know my Roman numerals, guys, don’t worry. It was just the end of the day, and sometimes you forget that V is 5 in Roman numerals.

C: We had Latin at the end of the day, from about 2:30 to 4, and, you know, that’s not… that’s not a good time.

A: It’s also an exceptionally long time –

C: Yeah, it’s a long time.

A: to be sitting in a room with 15 people.

C: Speaking of it being a long time, here’s another haiku.

“Thirty-nine minutes / Oh, that has five syllables / Thirty-nine minutes.”

A: This was definitely one of those days when I was not talking a lot. We had to get creative.

C: Yeah, I had to get a haiku in somewhere. So this haiku can have one of two meanings, we’re not sure. There was a period of time where Abby was like, counting down the minutes to the end of class. Like, every day, every time she would look up at the clock, she would write down how many minutes there were left. So this could’ve been written when there were thirty-nine minutes left of class. Abby, do you remember the other possibility?

A: Yeah, so every day, we would start off with a nice Quote of the Day as our warm-up. We’d have to translate it from Latin to English. We spent essentially half of class, every day, deciphering these Quotes of the Day, and I think this was one particular day where I asked you what time it was, and we were like, “That took thirty-nine minutes for us to translate one sentence.”

C: Those sentences were not long.

A: No! We translated them within the first two minutes of class! It just took us forty minutes to talk about it.

(both laugh)

~~~editor Callie: When she says “we” translated them, she means the two of us. We would translate and then wait forty minutes for everyone else to catch up~~~

C: I know! Yeah, so that haiku could either be about the ridiculous amount of time we took, as a class, to translate like a five-word sentence, or it could be Abby counting down the minutes, second by second, until the last bell rang and we could leave.

A: Either way, I was annoyed.

C: Either way, Abby continues to be annoyed. Speaking of Abby being annoyed, here’s a haiku that reads:

“Just to annoy you / Nobody’s gonna slow you down / Garlic. Gar-lick. Damn.”

C: Abby, what does that mean?

A: You know…

C: What were you… were you annoying me?

A: I must have been. Or, like, I think it might have been that you were arguing with one of our classmates –

C: Ohhhh, I did do that.

A: And you asked, “Why are they doing that?” And I probably said, “It’s probably just to annoy you. They’re just trying to get under your skin.” (both laugh) But I don’t think anyone in that class was conscious of their… self? No one was self aware enough to realize, “Oh, maybe I’m being a little annoying today.”

C: I don’t think anyone was annoying me, I think I was annoyed.

A: Mm, yes. It was just, you know, one of those days when you had had enough, which didn’t happen often.

C: (laughs) Yeah, that’s true. Let’s pick one of my favorites, which I think – you said earlier that you think this is our most recent haiku, possibly from our last day of Latin class. And it says:

“Smorace idk / I’m not actually funny / You guys just think so”

C: There’s a lot to unpack here, but let’s start with just the first word, which is just: “Smorace.”

A: Smorace!

C: Which to be clear, is not a word.

A: (almost unintelligibly) No, it’s a name.

C: Abby, what does Smorace mean?

A: It is a name. We were doing one of the infamous Latin skits –

C: Oh, yes. For context, we did a skit every Friday. We would make it up, it was mostly improve. Of either a Roman myth, or a story from our textbook, or something.

A: I think this particular story was about a guy named Horace and his evil twin or something. Just some sort of evil mirror figure.

~~~editor Callie: That’s probably Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a Roman poet from the reign of Augustus Caesar. We made up the evil twin.~~~

C: Oh, Smorace was the evil twin. Horace and Smorace.

A: Yes.

C: That’s great! We’re so funny.

A: I know. Hence why I said, “I’m not actually funny, you guys just think so.”

C: Mmm

A: Because I came up with Smorace, and it didn’t really register with me as hilarious.

C: We thought it was hilarious!

A: Yeah.

C: I remember this skit very clearly. Smorace was committing identity theft.

A: (laughs) Oh, yes.

C: Yeah, of Horace, the poet. And as Smorace committed identify theft, we wanted [Horace] to call 9-1-1. And then we were like wait, we can say 9-1-1 in Latin.

A: Oh! I remember this.

C: Do you remember what 9-1-1 is in Latin, Abby?

A: Ugh, how do you even say 9 in Latin?

C: I think it’s “novem,” like November, but, you know, Vs.

~~~editor Callie: The letter V is pronounced like a W in Latin, so that’s why we’re saying “nowem”~~~

A: Oh! Novem unum unum!

C: Novem unum unum! And then we were like, “I’m calling the police!” And then our teacher came over and said, “Don’t you mean the miles?” Which means “soldiers.”

~~~editor Callie: “miles” is pronounced mee-lace~~~

A: Yeah!

C: So it became “Novem unum unum, I’m calling the miles!”

A: Yes.

C: We speak Latin, guys.

A: Ugh.

C: We are Latin students.

A: And that is all we learned in Latin 2.

C: Novem- (laughs) Novem-unum-unum, I’m calling the miles!

A: Yeah.

C: Yeah…

A: I mean, what else do you really need to know?

C: Our next haiku is one of, honestly, my personal favorites. It reads:

“Wait, was his name John? / Nobody knows anything / No, I hate Tre Jones.”

C: And Abby, I know you explained this to me in the moment, but I don’t know who Tre Jones is.

A: (claps twice) Tre Jones. You know, played basketball at Duke.

C: Ah

A: And Mr. Cooper just happened to do his… um, I think it was his Master’s at Duke, or something.

C: Yeah

A: He was talking about Duke basketball, and I was like “Sir, I don’t think you understand how much I actually hate Tre Jones!” I know where my loyalties lie, you know?

C: Abby, are you applying to Duke? It’s college application time, for those of you listening in the future.

A: So, (laughs) here’s the thing.

C: Yeah.

A: I go through these stages in life, well, over the course of the college application process-

C: I didn’t know this was going to be a loaded question!

A: It is such a loaded question, you don’t understand. (both laugh) I go through these periods of time, especially over the last several months, where sometimes I think, “I am so smart, I will totally get into wherever I apply, I could get into Duke.” And I know like, even if I got in, I wouldn’t be at the top of the class, I’m not that… deluded.

C: (laughs)

A: But then I go through these stages where I think “I am the most dumb person on Earth, I’m not going to get in anywhere, even if I apply to a school with like an 80% acceptance rate, I’m not gonna get in.” And so I’m not gonna apply to Duke, for that reason, because most of the time I’m in that headspace.

C: Uh-huh.

A: But I’ve thought about it.

C: Well, you’re literally the smartest person I know, so okay.

A: That is just untrue! (both laughing) I could name, like, 3 people who are WAY smarter than me.

C: Here’s one that says:

“Your post-it notes suck / Bet they’re not even post-its / I don’t remember.”

C: So, I wrote all these haikus on post-it notes, and then I would give them to Abby at the end of class, and she would stick them in the back of her binder. Abby, why were you insulting my post-its?

A: I guess you were just annoying me that day!

C: (laughs)

A: I think it was because they wouldn’t stick in my binder because they were such trash post-it notes… what’s the name brand, Post-It?

C: (laughs) Post-It

A: Yeah, okay.

C: That’s why you said you bet they weren’t even post-its.

A: Yeah, you had the off-brand post-its, and I was just like, “This is just not it.”

C: I probably do, yeah.

A: Which is fine, I was just feeling hostile, apparently.

C: Yeah, feeling mean to me that day! Gosh, some friend. We spent a lot of time together last year, particularly last semester.

A: Yeah.

C: And so naturally we got a little bit bored in all our classes, and one of Abby’s go-to games during class is Hangman. This haiku says:

“Wanna play Hangman? / It’s my go-to Hangman word / When did I say that?”

C: Abby, what’s your go-to Hangman word?

A: Basketball!

C: Mmm, yes. I don’t remember if I guessed it quickly or not. I think probably, because I know you.

A: Yeah, I mean, it’s not a hard word to guess. I don’t know why it’s my go-to word. It’s probably the easiest word.

C: Well, it’s long.

A: It’s long and noticeable. I feel like if you get two letters, like if you get the As, you’re set! You know? Or the Ls?

C: Yeah, if you get A, B, or L, you got it.

A: You literally know the word.

C: Yeah, you literally know what the word is.

A: So I don’t know why. Everyone probably thinks I’m like really into basketball, but I’m not.

C: Well, it certainly sounds that way from the way the haikus are written.

A: I don’t play basketball!

C: No.

A: Just so everyone knows. But it is my go-to Hangman word.

C: Yeah. Abby, you’re a swimmer, right? You swim?

A: Yes, correct.

C: Yeah. Why don’t you pick our next haiku?

A: “It is called ‘Beef'” –

C: You’ve titled it? Oh. Oh!

(both laugh)

C: No, no, the first line of the haiku is “It is called ‘Beef,'” I’m just stupid.

A: Yeah, it’s the first line.

C: Yeah. (both laugh)

A: Okay, here we go.

“It is called ‘Beef,’ and / she wants to have it with you. / It is sad. Tough, tough times.”

C: No, “it’s” sad, not “it is.”

A: Right, “it’s” sad. That would be too many syllables. My bad.

C: Yeah. It’s sad. Tough, tough times. Who wanted beef? And with me or you?

A: With you!

C: With me? Who wanted beef with me?

A: Yeah. It was one of the amazing classmates of ours.

C: There were only like twelve of us in there.

A: I think you were genuinely having an argument with someone.

C: That’s so weird! That’s so out of character for me. But I believe you.

A: Well, over, not something serious, but something about Latin, or a definition, or just something that was like… obviously, the other person was just so wrong about, because, you know, you’re never wrong.

C: (laughs) Thank you.

A: Yeah, you were just like, “No,” and I said, “You guys are really beefing right now!”

C: Ooh!

A: “It’s called beef, she wants to have it with you!”

C: Oooooh!

A: So…

C: Here’s another one a little bit about our classmates. It says:

“We’re the strongest group / She doesn’t have a backpack / Why did he do that?”

C: So first, explain what “we’re the strongest group” means.

A: Yeah, so, in this class of like twelve people, we had groups that we would work with on like skits or whatever, and we named them –

C: Yeah, it was like teams.

A: Yeah, teams, essentially. And it was the people we sat close to. And we named our group Porcus Corpus.

C: Yas!

A: And, you know, we were obviously the superior group because Callie and I were in it.

C: We were the group with the most, like… I don’t know, I don’t want to say patriotism, because, you know, America, but we had the most group spirit, you know?

A: Group spirit.

C: Anyway. “She doesn’t have a backpack.” I remember what this was about.

A: Why don’t you explain it, because I really do not.

C: We had a classmate who… was one of those people who just, like, perpetually lost things? And we had these green cards, or white cards, that were kind of like a cheat sheet, had a bunch of information about Latin, and she would always lose hers, despite Mr. Cooper telling us every single day never to lose them. I guess I was lamenting at some point about it, because he was scolding her for like the sixth time that week about losing her white card, and I was like “Why doesn’t she just put it in her backpack?” And Abby said, “She doesn’t have a backpack!” She does, but it was funny anyway.

A: This is just…

C: This is the same girl who once came up to me in the hallway in the morning and said, “Callie, how do you act like you’re not drunk in class?” And I was like, “Excuse me???” She had a cocktail in her water bottle, like a whole mixed drink, like girl made herself a whole mixed drink at 8 AM before she came to school.

A: A mixologist! Queen.

C: Like… girl. I don’t know how to pretend to not be drunk in class! Why would I be drunk in class??

A: Also, she’s like two years younger than us.

C: (laughs) Yeah, she was like fourteen.

A: Yeah, fourteen or fifteen at the time. Which does not make any sense.

C: Look, we all make mistakes in high school. That’s one.

A: Yeah but that’s… a little bit much.

(both laugh)

C: She fit in. In Latin. They were all very odd. Abby, you were the oddball.

A: I know!

C: You were the most normal person in that room.

A: Yeah, in the setting

C: You and Chandley, you and Chandley.

A: But the thing is, I think that class dynamic, with me being in there, I did kind of fit in, because I am weird. (both laugh) Just in a different way.

C: Yeah, you got to be weird. You didn’t have to pretend that you were normal.

A: Well, I never do pretend I’m normal, Callie. Let’s be real.

C: That’s true, you just don’t talk, and people assume.

A: Yeah.

“What are they? Hell yeah / Wait, they’re individuals? / Sour? Get in my mouth.”

(both laugh)

C: I don’t remember this happening.

A: I definitely do! I swear, it must’ve been close to Valentine’s Day, or it was Valentine’s Day. Our teacher was handing out –

C: We had to write love notes in Latin for Valentine’s Day, by the way.

A: Oh yeah! I forgot about that.

C: Didn’t you write one to your mom?

A: Yeah. (both laugh)

C: That’s sweet.

A: Who else was I going to write it to, Callie?

C: Okay, true.

A: But he was handing out SweeTARTS, I think. And as soon as heard what they were, I said “Hell yeah, give me one of those!” And I love a good sour candy, and so I was like, “Sour? Get it in my mouth.” You know?

~~~editor Callie: Yes, “SweeTARTS” is how it’s officially stylized~~~

C: Yeah. You don’t take candy from teachers at school very often, do you?

A: No! I think – well, it all started in like, third grade, when we were doing our multiplication tables-

C: (laughs) What?

A: And we had those ice cream sundaes! And I was just neurotic and wouldn’t eat the ice cream.

C: Oh my god, Abby.

A: Because I also have like, severe immunophobia, so I don’t eat things that have been touched.

C: Ah, gotcha.

A: Especially back in the days. But my habits still remain. So I’m still kinda hesitant to take candy.

C: Right, yeah. These were individually wrapped though, is that why you took it?

A: I don’t know. (both laugh) I think I was just thinking, “Why not?”

C: You were just having a wild, sour day, you know?

A: Yeah.

C: Aw, I think that one’s funny.

A: I agree.

C: When I read it, it makes me laugh because I can hear it in your voice. Not- I can’t hear all of them in your voice.

A: I have a distinct… inflection, I feel like.

C: You do, you do. You have a voice that I could hear, like, across a room and recognize, you know? I’d be like, “Oh my god, Abby’s in here, somewhere.”

A: Crazy.

C: Yeah. Uh…

“I do be flipping / to Chapter 14 really / well. That’s a good one.”

A: Classic.

C: Now, this one doesn’t follow perfect haiku format, because “I do be flipping” is the first line, “to Chapter 14 really” is the second line, “well. That’s a good one.” is the third. So it’s a little weird, but I do like this one.

A: It gives it character.

C: It does!

A: I don’t think haikus need to have any specific format.

C: It really speaks to the fact that we were just doing this for fun. You know?

A: Yeah. (laughs) Like, this is no professional poetry thing, we were just truly taking my quotes and making them into a haiku format.

C: Yeah.

A: Yeah. This one is really a testament to the times.

C: So, why were you flipping to Chapter 14 really well?

A: I would just happen to flip it open to the first page of Chapter 14, without fail.

C: Yeah, it was like clockwork. It was amazing. Maybe there was a code hidden in there somewhere that we just never saw because we’re dumb-

A: Ugh!

C: and didn’t care about the class… [actually] I cared about Latin. Just, you know, a little bit.

A: I mean, not too much.

C: Yeah, you can’t really care about it too much. It’s high school.

A: Yeah. It wasn’t a class where I had to try particularly hard, so I just wasn’t gonna care about it.

C: Yeah. (laughs) See earlier, Abby’s the smartest person I know.

A: Anyone can succeed in Latin. Rephrase! Latin at Orange High School.

C: Yeah, okay, okay, true. Although! We have a new Latin teacher this year, and you don’t have to deal with that, but I am in Latin 3 next semester and I am frightened that I don’t know enough Latin.

A: Quite unlucky.

C: I’m scared! I feel like I don’t actually know anything.

A: Right!

C: What did I learn in that? What do I know? Nothing.

A: Yeah, I’m worried for you. I’m concerned. Because the amount of knowledge we have from that class is just simply not enough to carry over to any future classes. You never need to speak Latin, it’s all about writing.

C: I know, but I met the new teacher, and he’s like- he can actually like, speak Latin. And that’s crazy!

A: Yeah, the fact that he was holding a conversation in Latin? Unreal.

C: I’m scared. I think I’m gonna be the only one in that class anyway.

A: It’ll just be a little one-on-one tutor sesh. But like that’s a good thing, I feel like. He can help you a lot.

C: That’s true, if I’m- yeah, he’ll meet me at my level if I’m the only one in there, I don’t have to pretend.

A: Yeah, and you can explain that the teacher we had… truthfully, we didn’t learn a lot.

C: Love him! I think he was really passionate about Latin!

A: He was!

C: But did I learn Latin? No. But it’s not dead!

A: It is interesting.

C: It is, I do find it kind of fascinating.

A: It hasn’t helped me yet.

C: Oh god, we have at least 2 haikus written about capitalism.

A: We were always talking about capitalism, let’s be real.

C: What else is there? We’re coming from… okay, so we were on an A-day/B-day schedule, so our third period was different every other day, and so some days we were coming from AP Language where we were talking about argument and rhetoric and persuasion, and then our other class was AP Environmental Science, where we were talking about things like climate change and climate policy. The conclusion of both of those classes is that… capitalism is bad.

A: Yeah.

C: So like, what were we not… how could we not talk about it?

A: I think also we were surrounded by classmates who felt very strongly about-

C: About a lot of things.

A: Yeah, the same as we did. So we were always talking like, “capitalism sucks! There’s nothing moral about it!” And, you know, it fully carried over to Latin.

C: There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism. No matter what you do, you’re going to be contributing to the exploitation of working class people, and like…

A: Quite upsetting.

C: Sucks!

A: Inevitable.

C: (sigh) I guess.

A: Sad. (laughs)

C: Well, thank you for doing this, Abby. Thank you for troubleshooting audio with me. We already recorded this podcast, so thank you for doing it with me again. (both laugh)

A: Truly 2 hours in the making.

C: Truly! I appreciate you.

A: Well it was a blast!

C: Say goodbye to everybody.

A: Bye everyone! Thanks for having me, Callie. Can’t wait to listen to myself talk.

C: (laughs) It is a weird, weird experience, I promise you.

A: I’m sure I sound, you know, terrible and incoherent, so. (laughs)

C: You sound great. Alright, thanks Abby.

A: Bye, thank you!

C: Bye!

Callie: (too loudly because this is a different time) Thank you for listening to Fast Facts for Gen Z. Big thank you to Abby for joining me on today’s episode. You can find me on Twitter @FastFactsPod, and you can follow me on any streaming platform to be notified whenever I release a new episode. This is Callie, signing off.